It’s tradition

Twin 500mm blades revolving 60 times per second annihilate the grass in my backyard. The thunderous roar of the engine has brought about the apocalypse on the world of the grass. No concern is given by the hand that drives the machine about the total destruction and annihilation that goes on underfoot. In a short time it will all be over, the area once matted and overgrown will be able to flourish into a beautiful and more functional space.

Do you think she could mow the lawn any louder? Strewth, women can be so inconsiderate these days. I am trying to sit here and write down my thoughts about what it means to be a traditional male and all that fills my head is her noisily mowing my lawn.

A friend of mine said he was, you know, traditional. It caused my synapses to start firing away. Well at first it was a bit of a cough, then a splutter and then with a slightly embarrassing thud the whole system came online and my brain was off and running.

My first thoughts ran towards my brain’s usual stomping ground: sex. Sex before marriage had been frowned upon for countless generations. Don’t get me wrong it wasn’t like nanna wasn’t rolling around on a bed made of last weeks newspapers, trying to keep hay from getting lodged into her deep dark recesses. It’s just if something did stick then the lucky beau was going to be settling down with a wife and child a lot sooner than he wanted. Well at least there was always a World War to look forward to.

Ah ha! Maybe that was it? Maybe he meant if he had the misfortune of one of his swimmers being a persistent little bastard he wouldn’t be sending the lucky lady to the “female services clinic”? Could there really be young man out there who wasn’t pro-choice? After a bit of investigation I discovered there actually isn’t a choice. Abortion isn’t really legal in Australia at all and it is still a criminal offense. To get an abortion in Western Australia you need to prove (a) serious personal, family or social consequences will result if the abortion is not performed, (b) life or physical or mental health is endangered, or (c) the pregnancy causes serious danger. If you don’t do this then you will get prosecuted in a criminal court and face jail time, which regardless of how many awesome prison movies you’ve watched it’s actually worse than having a child. Now I know what you’re thinking; getting that girl pregnant, who you only took home because you wanted to physically express the emotions caused by your teams latest football victory, would cause more than enough mental anguish that anyone could understand, right? Well unfortunately those clauses in the law only apply to the woman who is pregnant.

I guess I really should pay a bit more attention to contraception after all. At least the gays have got it easy, they don’t have to worry about this nasty baby stuff. Well, when I say easy I mean at least they aren’t being sent to prison for trying to enjoy themselves. The act of “buggery” was illegal in Australia up to 1994, though the last man sent to prison for it was in 1984. So possibly being a traditional male could be a guy who gets freaked out about the thought of two men touching penises? However gay marriage only became officially illegal in Australia in 2004 so being anti-gay isn’t really all that traditional after all.

I decided all of this pondering wasn’t going to lead to anything of substance and the only real way I could know would be to ask him. Of course actually speaking with him in person felt like it would be such a drain on my resources. I decided a better use of my time would be best spent trawling through his Twitter and Facebook pages to get a gist of who, and what, a traditional male really was. Unfortunately that task will have to wait for another time because I have a load of washing to do and dinner isn’t going to cook its self.


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